Thursday, December 23, 2004

NO and STOP

It has been almost two weeks that I have not been feeling well. My body is telling me NO and STOP but I cant really. I want to be good to my body, but right now I do not have all the tools that I need to do it. The kind of not feeling well that I have been is not the type that keeps you from going to work or keeping your evening appointments or the kind that can get anyone else sick. This has made it harder to do what I need to do to make it all stop. And it has made my days a bit hazy around the edges, not able to answer the "how are you today?" question so simply. I am not well, but it seems silly to keep saying "i dont feel well today" over and over again when the person sees me up and at it basically like normal. My confidants are concerned, more by the persistence of my dis-ease and my inability to take care of myself properly than anything else.
Tuesday was dory's birthday and the whole family was up to celebrate. While I think she really liked the gifts that I gave her, I couldnt help thinking that she was not happy with me that day, with the fact that I had brought a guest, and more generally, with me. I felt my whole family being a bit unhappy with me, maybe I am just feeling guilty that i dont spend more time with them. Especially Dory, we have a lot of work to do. I love her so much and want to be her girlfriend and sister, but i feel a lot of distance. dunno
I am losing a roommate. TOnight is Raina's going-away party. She is moving to Hawaii after a few weeks at her parents. i will miss her: her positivity, her healing, her energy. she is a truely sweet soul and I am so happy for her and the new life she gets to start. Bon Voyage, Raina love you.

1 comment:

Katie Smith said...

Martha-babe!
Is there any chance you might be in the C-U area anytime between December 29th and January 1st? I will be there then, and I'd love to see you. I got you a dorky little Christmas present too. (You'll never guess what it is...) Anyway, your post made me sad for you. I can definitely relate to the feeling of not being close enough to my sister. I love Amy so much, and I get bummed about when I think about the distance (both physical and relational) between us. Anyway, just know that I love you and miss you much!

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studies have been conducted recently about my generation as a generation of narcissists...this blog is part of that phenomenon :)