Sunday, January 02, 2005

2005 in with a bang

If this weekend is any indication of what 2005 will bring, i am in for an emotional and crazy year.
i dont want to say that bad luck is ahead, but it might be. with the bad luck, other blessings will be revealed.
I hydroplaned in david's car on thursday night/friday morning. We slid sideways, then pigtailed, then did a few 360s and then went off the road into a ditch. This is the account as far as either of us can remember, because it happened it that typical, surreal place where one goes when under trauma. I am still not ok with the whole experience, i could have killed david! and i did damage (though minor) to his 2001 sunfire, the most valuale investment that he has. Although he was wonderful during and after the crisis (while we were spinning out of control he kept repeating "you are ok, you are going to be ok" to me and he showed amazing STRENGTH and COMPASSION during the entire thing) i still cannot help hating myself for being the driver. For the role that I had in the incident. For turning the wheell instead of holding it straight when we started to slide. We are ok.
The weekend was tiring and emotional, i was tired and crabby quite a bit, but still a wonderful time with family and friends. The NYE celebration was a fun one and much was released on the dance floor.
Along with the showerhead at davids exploding in his face on friday and us finding the right rear tire completely flat when we tried to pull away to return to chicago, there was so much beauty in this weekend. Kate and Nathan were married on the 1st and the reception was an intimate and sweet affair. Dinner with the Falconers and the soon-to-be Hammers was a joy with much smiles and laughter. I am so happy for Kate and for the new life she is starting. Dory mentioned that because of the fog, it looked like we were gathering together while floating in/on a cloud. The effect was true and it gave the entire event a surreal, dreamy, celestial feeling. The fireplace and warm decorating made the event cozy and safe.
The drive home (with flat tire sealed up with Fix-a-flat) was nerve-tensing. Visibility was even worse than the drive down, and we were strained and nervous about the car. When we passed the strip of 57 were we had the accident on thurs/fri, we both felt extremely uncomfortable in the car. Were we just imagining the feeling that we didnt have complete control over the vehicle? David did a great job of getting us home safely, and along the way we had one of the best conversations that we have ever had. I felt like we were in a better place where we could listen and exchange more freely, where we were more in tune with the thoughts and feelings of the other and more prepared to accept differences of opinion and exchange instead of debate. A gift.
BUT WAIT: just when we thought the weekend couldn't get any weirder, we arrived back to the Chearo's for the evening. The phone rang at his parents..... on the other side was the voice of a girl.
Girl: is this david?
David: Speaking
G-are you with your girlfriend?
d- ummmm, yes.....
Martha (ohhhhhhhhhhhh does he have another girlfriend? I cant believe what I am hearing!!!)
Girl: Ummmm you probably dont remember me, but I am in love with you!
It actually wasn't another girlfriend or even an old girlfriend or highschool classmate. It was his 20 year old 3rd cousin, Maggie, who had just left a wedding where she sat by David's parents and confessed to them that she had been in love with David since she was 11, when he was in high school, had long hair and played the drums. She was drunk dialing to tell him that, although she had been told that he had a girlfriend, him mom had told her that david didn't really love her and that they should get married. It is unclear if Ginny actually said this or not, she told david that night that she did not, but in any case, I learned something about myself. Even when I know that someone was joking, drunk, playing along with another person to be silly, I still cant help feeling hurt and unhappy when the joke involves something that I am sensitive about. Rationally, i know that what Maggie was led to believe about my relationship with david is not based on the reality of our relationship. She was either told what she wanted to hear, or heard what she wanted to be told. In complete realization of this fact, I was still sad and felt like I was the butt of a joke that played on my insecurities. And that leads me to wonder how I can be so sensitive and insecure when I am surrounded by confirmation, acceptance, love and security.

Heres wishing to less weirdness as the year goes by.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Oh Martha!! I'm so glad you and David are alright. ~Sholeh

Anonymous said...

I dunno, Martha. I really like your weirdness! But, I empathis(z?)e with what your saying.

Anonymous said...

Are you french by birth? Just curious

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studies have been conducted recently about my generation as a generation of narcissists...this blog is part of that phenomenon :)