Monday, January 10, 2005

blessed

At dinner on friday a few of my collegues shook their heads in agreement to one's statement that I am such a happy person, you know, always a big smile on my face and always a good mood. I must admit that this compliment was surprising to me, especially compared to how I see myself. I see my general outlook on life as a bit sour, a bit jaded, a bit pessimistic. My mood at work is......a slowed-down, pent-up version of me. It is a lot dryier, with hints of the frantic and a bit of desperation under it all. I do like to smile. My father told me that no matter what anyone looks like, they always look better with a smile, and I know that it is true when the smile is sincere. One of the other classic pieces of advice that he gave me was that when i was really down and cant smile, I should lift my eyebrows really high because people will see that I am making and effort to look happy and it will make a difference in how things go. Whether that is true or not, lifting my eyebrows and thinking about how silly it is always makes me laugh and smile.
if there was ever anything in me that sparked a reaction from others, you know, the 'you have a good feeling about you' i used to have an explanation in my head of what that was. Now I dont beleive that any more and it makes me wonder what it ever was. this last part only makes sence to me.
It has been hard for me to feel truely happy and relaxed recently because there is a lot of uncertainty in my life. i dont deal well with uncertainty, anyone who has ever tried to do anything with me knows that i like to plan plan plan. I know that there will always be a level of uncertainty in the human experience, because we never have total control over our lives and all the forces that are moving them. I just wish that I could deal with this reality in a more positive way. So internally i am all mush, feel off, not quite settled and not quite at peace. But I seem like a happy one to those who dont know me well,,,, so great in a way.
Here are some things that I AM truely happy about (following the style of Kate's daily gratitude listings):
+Megan and Chris got engaged and wanted to share thier joy with me. Thank you, Megan, for everything you have ever done to be a wonderful support and confidant to me. Your joy is truely my joy.
+I am going to start going to the gym with Ivy. i will get to see her more and will get to do something that I know from experience is so important for my wellbeing.
+Right now my computer is working. I wrote this on MY computer and it has been on for longer than 5 minutes without dying. for this I am very grateful.
+I saw citizen kane and it blew me away. and not just because it is supposed to. so i am thankful for creative genious and its ability to detinate reactions in my mind.
+David is my true companion.
+I dont own a car.

3 comments:

Katie Smith said...

Martha,

How bittersweet to read this post. Bitter because I'm feeling much the same way right now, and I don't want to be, and sweet because it's always nice to know you're not alone.

Everytime I read your blog, I think about how little I really know about you now and how I wish we were closer. It makes me sad to think of you not being happy, so I hope you find some peace soon. Miss you.

missmartha said...

love you katie

Anonymouph said...

Martha-dear,

Where have you gone? I need to know how you are doing!

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studies have been conducted recently about my generation as a generation of narcissists...this blog is part of that phenomenon :)