Friday, September 01, 2006

in retrospect

This entry focuses on the break up that I had with David a bit over 1 year ago, ending our year+ relationship. I want my blog to develop into a venue for emotional expression and not just a corkboard of rushed updates. When I started this blog, David and I were in a loving relationship. I never blogged about the separation, except for a short listing (I moved apartments! Bahia is in CU! David and I broke up!). Here:
I am thankful to David for making our break up a humane and dignified ending to a nice time together. Knowing him was healing because he was always honest with me. The hard part about ending with no bad feelings is that you have to keep reminding yourself why it is over in the first place.
During the part of our time "together" when he was in CU and I was in Chicago, I went through a deep period of unhappiness, lethargy and confusion. David was always a loving companion, but in the end I guess it really was unfair to both of us. I found much solace in his friendship and attention - which led to me becoming dependent on him in an unattractive way. At the end of the break up, I asked him if he was relieved and he said that in a way, he was. I would not have asked if I did not want to recognize that he had endured.
Our end came with lots of things that make it easier: the aforementioned TRUTH, a feeling of warm kindness that lingers between us and the fact that he left shortly thereafter for Russia. There were things that made it too difficult: I was brought in very close to the family from day 1 and still miss them now, we talked every day for over a year and the lack of companionship was lethal, I was left with an unmistakable feeling that I was pretty screwed up emotionally (not by the break up, but in general) and therefore undesirable, and most of all the realization that being in love with a good, kind, honest, intelligent man is not sufficient lifeblood. A few things acted as a double-edged sword, both making it easier to move on and making me regret: David's professional and friendly attitude towards me (Keep in touch! All the best! Happy Birthday!), the fact that we have only met face to face once in a year, and the fact that David took another partner while in Russia.

Now it has been a year, and I feel like I have made great progress on myself, my ability to not live a life of contradiction, and my independence. I am thankful that I had the time to do this hard work. I am thankful to Ivy for living with me during this period and letting me be at peace through the process. I have started dating again and I feel very aware. I am thankful to David for being my friend and love in the past, and I hope that he is as good as I am right now, though we never seem to talk about those type of things.

5 comments:

heidi said...

I feel like sharing the process I went through (short version) that I believe allowed me to marry David out of a friendship that was not dating in any way normally thought of. Then again, it is personal and I also want to respect the fact that you may not want to know the story right now for your own reasons. Let me know what you think, and if you want me to go on, I will do my best to be honest and to try to share in a non "This is what you should do too" way. Come to think of it, this could be an interesting area I could explore on future posts. I often forget to remember the process I went through(intensely hard and full of "wrong" turns) to get to where I am now in terms of relationships, which is so peaceful, and that sharing could possibly answer questions or offer alternatives to other people still "searching" so to speak.

missmartha said...

Heidi, it was sooo nice to see you and family on Saturday. Thank you for your post -- please feel free to tell me the long version :) either in email, on your blog or here. I am happy for your family and the balance that you have found in your outstanding relationship.

olinga said...

Martha, that was beautiful. I went through a similar situation when I was 21 and you are handling it much better than I did.

olinga said...

Martha, that was beautiful. I went through a similar situation when I was 21 and you are handling it much better than I did.

missmartha said...

Olinga, when I was 21 and went through my first break up, I was evil, nasty, toxic, sick, depressed, self-medicated, desperate, angry, greiving. So don't think that I haven't been there. It is just that you can only go to that place once and then you will spend the rest of your relationships until you die trying to never abase yourself that low.

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studies have been conducted recently about my generation as a generation of narcissists...this blog is part of that phenomenon :)