This entry focuses on the break up that I had with David a bit over 1 year ago, ending our year+ relationship. I want my blog to develop into a venue for emotional expression and not just a corkboard of rushed updates. When I started this blog, David and I were in a loving relationship. I never blogged about the separation, except for a short listing (I moved apartments! Bahia is in CU! David and I broke up!). Here:
I am thankful to David for making our break up a humane and dignified ending to a nice time together. Knowing him was healing because he was always honest with me. The hard part about ending with no bad feelings is that you have to keep reminding yourself why it is over in the first place.
During the part of our time "together" when he was in CU and I was in Chicago, I went through a deep period of unhappiness, lethargy and confusion. David was always a loving companion, but in the end I guess it really was unfair to both of us. I found much solace in his friendship and attention - which led to me becoming dependent on him in an unattractive way. At the end of the break up, I asked him if he was relieved and he said that in a way, he was. I would not have asked if I did not want to recognize that he had endured.
Our end came with lots of things that make it easier: the aforementioned TRUTH, a feeling of warm kindness that lingers between us and the fact that he left shortly thereafter for Russia. There were things that made it too difficult: I was brought in very close to the family from day 1 and still miss them now, we talked every day for over a year and the lack of companionship was lethal, I was left with an unmistakable feeling that I was pretty screwed up emotionally (not by the break up, but in general) and therefore undesirable, and most of all the realization that being in love with a good, kind, honest, intelligent man is not sufficient lifeblood. A few things acted as a double-edged sword, both making it easier to move on and making me regret: David's professional and friendly attitude towards me (Keep in touch! All the best! Happy Birthday!), the fact that we have only met face to face once in a year, and the fact that David took another partner while in Russia.
Now it has been a year, and I feel like I have made great progress on myself, my ability to not live a life of contradiction, and my independence. I am thankful that I had the time to do this hard work. I am thankful to Ivy for living with me during this period and letting me be at peace through the process. I have started dating again and I feel very aware. I am thankful to David for being my friend and love in the past, and I hope that he is as good as I am right now, though we never seem to talk about those type of things.