Friday, March 19, 2010

Creating a clearing/letting intuition in (out?)


, originally uploaded by missmartha.

I am enrolled in a Mondo Beyondo class (thank you, Megan) which is a great exercise in dreaming big. We had two exercises recently that really spoke to me and the way I live my life. The first was on creating a clearing and the second on intuition.

Creating a clearing is multi-dimensional. It could be as physical as clearing off a desk, as intangible as clearing out space to do something you love {like blogging!!} or as spiritual as making time to meditate or clearing out self-hate from your soul. It's making room for your dreams to breathe and unfold.

Intuition should be the most natural phenomenon in the world, but somehow we've gotten so far away from listening to ourselves that this act needs practice.

I wanted to share a bit more about my choice to move to SF. I think it speaks to clearing and intuition. VERY reminiscent of the events that led me to move to Maryland in the first place.

Things had been challenging at work. I was passionate about the work but felt deflated and uninspired. I had some *unresolvable* issues with my direct supervisor and felt like I needed out of that arrangement. My brother-in-law, Dan, had recently snagged his dream job in Silicone Valley. Before he got it, I joked to B and M that if they moved to CA, I was coming too! I didn't want to be the Q sister all the way on the east coast and I just needed something silly to say or dream about. When it happened, they asked "are you coming?". I said NO. There are no jobs in CA and I am not going.
KJS came to visit at the end of the summer with her new partner. He'd lived in SF and the topic came up. I turned to Chris and said "let's move to San Francisco" jokingly. He said "OK" jokingly. It was veiled as a joke but in my heart I wanted it.
The next day problem-boss called me into his office. He started dancing around a discussion of my role in the organization. It came out that he wanted to move me to a different division. He asked out of nowhere: If I was going to do this new job, what geographic location in the U.S. would be most interesting?? We only have one office, in Maryland. I said truthfully that SF would be the most dynamic place to be. In the time span of 24hrs, I went from not even letting myself take the dream of moving to SF seriously to being offered a position that did not even exist.
I started reporting directly to a new department head the next week, a really inspirational and supportive person. But helas, problem-boss sat me down a few days later and told me that he was rescinding the SF part of the job offer. That I might think that I was the best person for the job, but that it's not necessarily true. blah blah blah other stuff that would have made me feel bad about myself if I held his regard as valuable. I left the room and left the dream behind. I would focus on my new role in new department and my general happiness.

Two months later, new- good-boss called me in and let me know that she had convinced management to move me cross country to SF. IF I still wanted it. That was one of the scariest moments of my life. I was physically shaking when she told me because I had spent a lot of energy convincing myself that CA was not right for me right now and had to make a very big choice. Finally my intuition (and lots of consultation with my partner, Chris) let me choose to go. It was a huge leap of faith!! I wasn't sure if I would be successful (was I listening to bad boss in a tiny part of my mind??), that I could afford life in CA, that I wouldn't regret leaving, that Chris would not be resentful.....

Once I decided to follow my dream (scary), everything started to fall into place. I rented my Baltimore apartment even though my landlord thought it would be impossible over the holidays. I started to plan my cross-country trek and accepted with grace when bad boss forced the date up by three weeks. I packed and moved while ill with a winter thing but DID IT.

The cross country drive was a clearing and an opening. Visit my flickr for more visuals of how the landscape cleared in front of me. Chris and I had a great trip out, not arguing once and enjoying our opportunity to see the southwest. We arrived to SF and found an apartment (with a pacific view!!) in one day. We felt HOME.

Not a day goes by that one or both of us does not acknowledge that we are so happy that we moved and that we feel so blessed in our new surroundings. Oh and problem-boss? In a turn of events that I could have NEVER anticipated, he is no longer the number 2 in our organization. I will never have to speak to him again.

More about life in SF in my next post!!

2 comments:

Katie B said...

Thank you, Martha. Reading this post, I got a glimpse of how hard it is for me to even admit and acknowledge what my dreams are. I am so glad that your courageous move (both physical and intuitive) has been so immediately rewarding!

missmartha said...

Thanks, Katie! Dreaming should be easy but it is so hard with all the doubts and apprehensions that we create! You should DEFINITELY consider enrolling in the mondobeyondo online class. Great activities and super flexible for busy mamas. A go at your own pace 5 week class re: dreaming :) I'd love to hear about your dreams...

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studies have been conducted recently about my generation as a generation of narcissists...this blog is part of that phenomenon :)